The Relationship
Training Manual For Men*
(* Women's Edition)
David Unger, Ph.D.
Sample Chapter
Introduction
We all know that relationships can drive us crazy. But they can also be a source of joy, companionship and semi-regular, if not always exhilarating, sex. Despite divorce rates demonstrating the increasing odds that a relationship won't go the distance, most everyone still wants one. Good luck to us one and all.
In my many years as a therapist, I have counseled enough couples to know that sustaining love is a lot harder than finding it. All of us have come to believe that men are from Mars and women from Venus. What we have yet to fi are the skills to overcome the interplanetary communication gap.
There are some things we all want from life:
- Fun and recreation
- A vibrant relationship
- Great sex
- Close friends
- A rewarding career
- Excellent health
- The best of everything
Getting it all is the trick. One that not even David Copperfield can master, but one we all can learn with increasing levels of dexterity. So what tools and techniques do you need to get you what you want in life?
I am sure you have discovered things that work for you and things that don't. Hopefully, this book will add to your tool bag without requiring you to wade through a river of psychobabble. This book is for anyone who is in a relationship or wants to be. It is written from the perspective of a heterosexual man. While some truths are common to all intimate loving relationships, be they man/woman, man/man or woman/woman, I think it only fair to write about what I know best.
As you start reading, you will notice that I put the onus of improving the relationship on you, the man. That's because it is easier for a man to fix a relationship than it is for a woman. Women who have heard, or uttered, the phrase "He'll never change" may disagree, yet, while women often put a lot of energy into understanding how to get the most out of their man, it is the man who has the power within himself to make the relationship work. The reason for this is a simple truth that all women will acknowledge and few men will agree with. It is the man who has been putting his head in the ground and not really holding up his end of things. I wish I had a dollar for every woman who told me that once her man had her he totally slacked off on doing the things that got her in the first place. I also wouldn't mind having a dollar for every man that told me that if she didn't nag so much, he would do those things.
Women like to read self-improvement books more than men do; they like to learn new things to make their lives more fulfilling. Yet, those same women may notice that it is far easier to get more out of themselves than it is to get more out of the men in their lives. As a therapist, I have learned that women often don't know how to bridge the distance between themselves and their men. The secret to creating that oneness is for women to learn how to empower men to improve the relationship.
This book is for men. Congratulations to you for picking it up and distinguishing yourself from the vast majority of men, who would never look at a self-help book. I am also writing a companion volume for women. The only difference is that I have added some tips for women to help them relate to you more effectively. Otherwise, they'll be reading everything you're reading.
Believe me, if your wife or girlfriend reads it she will not be all that happy with me just as she may not be all that happy with you. If she is dissatisfied with you, I'd bet that it has a lot to do with the fact that you don't handle your life or your end of the relationship the way she would like. That is probably the same reason she will be upset with me -- I am not going to say or do all the things she would like. But for this book to be of any real value to you I need to talk with you in a way we both can understand. Which means she won't always understand or like us.
Yet, the fact that you are reading this means that either she bought it for you because she thought you both would benefit from sharing it or you found it on your own and are hoping that reading it will help you out. However the book ended up in your hands, I hope it provides you a chance to reflect on yourself and your relationships. I also hope that it exceeds your expectations and brings increased enjoyment and value to your life.
Men and women are equal partners in life. They are the yin and yang of a relationship, the two parts that combine to make a whole. Each is separate and unique and able to function on its own; yet they come together to form a union. In that union is love.
The bottom line truth for all of us is: If you want to have more love in your life, you need to learn how to be a better lover in mind, body and spiritIn other words, there is work to do. But you're not alone: The challenges of building and sustaining a relationship exist for all people of all ages. Learning to respect, honor and love oneself and others is a lifelong process. Let us all learn together.
Chapter One
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Truth...
And What To Do About It
"The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?" -- Sigmund Freud
While Freud was venting his frustration about what a woman wants, Mrs. Freud was in the kitchen lamenting with her friends about how to get Sigmund to quit smoking cigars, play with the children more and occasionally take her out for a romantic dinner.
What Freud was not able to grasp is this:
The reason Freud missed the boat is because, at the time he was writing, women were not considered equals, so any sense of an "us" that he might have been able to form would have been conceived as more of a hierarchy than a partnership. Mrs. Freud, like other women of her era, was not encouraged to speak the truth about what she was thinking/feeling. That truth speaking that society once discouraged is now being touted in every self-help book and therapist's office across the land.
The more open, honest and caring you are with your partner, the more effective you'll be in creating an "us."
A man eventually does come to learn that the more he relates to and interacts with a woman, the more she is going to like him. Then he realizes that the more she likes him, the better off he -- and they -- will be.
Research conducted by the University of Pennsylvania and the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill in 2005 underscores this in a nuts-and-bolts element of relationships -- arguing. Couples who used the words "you" and "me" while arguing tended to have more negative outcomes, while couples that used "we" and "us" had more positive results and a higher level of relatedness.
- Speak your truth in a caring inclusive manner
- Share power, control and decision making
- Be an "us"
- Give her what she wants while not doing anything that you truly do not want to do
- Learn that loving her means loving you and that giving to her means giving to you, too
These are things you can learn. They are skills and mindsets. You should have learned them in school, but they were busy teaching you things you have long forgotten. The reason you can learn these skills is simple:
I mentioned previously that we men are in some ways just like dogs. And like our canine friends, if we are fed well, given regular sex and treated decently, we'll willingly do almost anything.
Aside to Women
The two main premises of this book are 1) that men are trainable and 2) you can train them. Men need to learn how to love, and you need to learn to be a better trainer.For most of the book, I talk directly to men about what they need to come to grips with and what they must do to be able to truly love you. Men often think they have to surrender their manhood in order to make you happy. My hope is that this book can teach your man how to love you in ways that honor you and him. If he can feel good about himself when he is with you, he is going to feel good about you, too.
If I am correct in my contention that you really do want to create an "us," then you are probably going to have to do some things differently -- because you know better than I that what you are doing now is not working all that well. Just start thinking about yourself as having brought a dog home from the pound and now you have to train him to live with you. Someone else had him before you, and now you need to reinforce the best of what he has learned and lovingly teach him some new tricks.
OK, I know I called you a dog. And I know I started the book suggesting that women can train you. Let's be real here: You may be able to motivate yourself to eat less or go to the gym more, but it's harder to motivate yourself to work on your relationship with a woman, even though there is plenty of room for improvement. You also know that if there is work to be done to improve things, you are the one who is going to have to do it. Sure, it would be great if she would just change her ways, but I don't have to tell you what you already know: She is not going to change.
The good news is that you can do it. You can make the necessary changes, learn the basic skills and actually improve your relationship.
But you have to learn the skills. In one sense, your relationship is a job, and as with any job, to get a promotion, you're going to have to learn to do it better.
As you read along, agreeing or disagreeing with me, try to get into the material as best you can and make of it what you will. See what gets evoked for you and what you think/feel. Of course, I would like it if you agreed with me, but what I really want is for you to interact with the book.
You don't have to do anything else. You don't even have to do that. However, research indicates that people get more out of life when they take the time and energy to focus on how their life is preceding. If you did it all the time, it would drive you insane. But if you do it more often than you currently do, you'll be able to shape your life to make it more rewarding and fulfilling.
It all boils down to this: If you want to be a better lover you will have to:
- Learn new styles of communicating
- Learn new ways of speaking
- Learn new ways of listening
- Learn new ways of thinking
- Learn new ways of doing
- Learn new ways of being
It will be:
- Exciting
- Challenging
- Rewarding
- Boring
- Terrifying
- Exhilarating
- All of the above plus, occasionally, a major annoyance
Ugly Reminder - While you are busy becoming a better lover, you will have to continuously deal with the nasty fact that she is not going to change.
You are.
Yes, as I said previously, women put more time, energy and money into self-improvement. They go to therapists, buy self-help books, attend workshops and endeavor to improve their lives and their men's way more than men do. I am sure that on those occasions when you are honest with yourself, you know that you are a better man because of her. And if you are really honest, you also know that you could be an even better man. If the relationship and you are going to upgrade, you are going to have to be the one to take things to the next level. You are going to do the work, learn the skills and walk the walk.
Let's cut to the chase: Like it or not, there are some things you are going to have to do that you really don't want to do to. She can tell you or I can tell you. You aren't going to like it any better from me, but at least I'm not going to cut you off if you don't listen. And as I mentioned previously, if you really don't want to do something, don't do it. But sometimes you need to get off your butt and exercise even though you don't want to because you know it is best for you.
You are welcome to complain about why you have to be the one to make the changes. But be honest: The only reason to make the effort to make the changes is to make life better. Not for her. But for you.
Before we go any further, I want to challenge you to think in a new way. I just wrote that if you make things better for her, she will make them better for you. While this may be true, it is not the whole story.
Any time you do something for another person in hopes of getting something in return, you are playing a losing hand. Unfortunately, most people raised in Western culture think this way. There is even an old Latin phrase that describes it - Quid pro quo: I do this and in return, you do that.
The problem with doing something for another in the hope of getting something in return is that you are not doing what you want. You are doing what you think will earn you a reward. You want the reward, but what you are doing for it is not coming from your heart. We all do this all the time. You are nice to your boss so that, hopefully, you'll get a raise. You compliment someone, hoping that they will be nice to you. You invite someone to join you for dinner in the hope that there will be a return invitation.
Most of the time these exchanges work out. When they don't, people say, "The hell with them" and stop "giving" to the other person.
The reason these exchanges are not healthy is that they come wrapped in expectation. If you lend someone twenty bucks when they are short, you expect they will return the favor when you are in need. Usually they do, but when they don't, you think they are cheap and resent them.
When you were lending them the money and they were thankful, you neglected to spell out the terms of the deal. Had you said "By the way, when I am short I expect you to help me out," they might not have taken the money. But no one says that. It is implied in the giving. Sort of an "Ill scratch your back if you scratch mine" arrangement.
The reason it is implied is that we live in a barter nation. Consumerism is the backbone of our culture. We have been raised on buying and selling to the point that not only do we approach the purchasing of products as consumers, but we also approach one another in the same way: I give you this and you give me that.
While this kind of exchange happens all the time and is a recognized and accepted way of behavior, it does not work so well in romantic relationships. People do not want to think that just because you did this thing for them, they need to do that for you.
When I was in high school, guys used to think that if they took a girl to Disneyland, she owed them sex. How much sex was not exactly clear, but guys thought that if they spent a lot of money on a woman, she owed you. Women, however, did not take to this unspoken rule, and a lot of guys would get upset and resentful if they did not score some action after doling out their allowance.
This is not love. This is bargaining. This is sexual commerce, a form of commerce that many couples engage in with less than rewarding results. While bargaining may serve you in some ways in the world, it will not serve you in your romantic relationship.
I think you will see as you go through the book all sorts of ways you do things in the hope of getting a return on your investment. I think you will also see that the returns you are getting are not really what you want. Hopefully, by the time you finish the book, you will have discovered better ways to interact. These ways will come from your heart. The more you can get your heart involved in your exchanges, the more you will see your returns improving. Not because you are aiming for that, but because love begets love.
If you are able to elevate your skills and minimize your bargaining and also come from your heart, you will probably want her to applaud your accomplishments and reward you in some way. Which, of course, is just more of the same.
Truthfully, you are most likely going to want some recognition and appreciation for all that you are doing.
And you will get some.
But...
Not as much as you want.
If you want more than you are getting, you can give it to yourself because she is not going to dole it out in the amounts you want. No one ever does. It won't feel as good to have to sing your own praises, but if you don't pump up yourself who will?
You can argue, moan, lament and whine about her (and everyone else) not giving you your due. It is a universal reaction. Go ahead, get it out of your system.
But when you've finished, you still are going to be the one who has to make it happen. The sooner you stop expecting the world to recognize how wonderful you are, the sooner you will be able to provide that recognition for yourself. If you want to be loved more for who you are and the things you do, begin that journey in your own back yard.