The Relationship
Training Manual

David Unger, Ph.D.

Reviews

"The Relationship Training Manual for Men is the only relationship book you’ll ever need.

There are many reasons to recommend this book, but one thing that sets it apart is the idea of it being a training manual. In addition to being a standard text, it is also designed as a workbook. And if you choose to use it that way, it features sets of questions and different exercises that get you to reflect on yourself, and to gain insight that is immediate and useful. It makes it easy to apply what you’re learning to your real life so you’ll start seeing results right away—well before you’ve finished reading the book. While extensively researched and deeply philosophical, the Relationship Training Manual for Men is at the same time simple, practical and straightforward.

The book comes in two versions, and the Relationship Training Manual for Men* (*Women’s Edition) contains everything that is in the men’s edition plus the “Asides to Women” where the author offers additional commentary aimed at helping women to better understand how men really think, and why they act the way they do. It’s like getting to be the proverbial fly on the wall, or better yet, getting to sit around the locker room and hear what men really say about the important issues in their lives—women, money, power, sex, love and more. It’s all covered here.

Dr. Unger brings a wealth of expertise and experience, as a researcher on relationships and as a psychotherapist who has worked with individuals and couples (and has trained other therapists in doing the same kind of work), but also as a man—himself a boyfriend, husband and father—who knows all about men. His voice in the book is natural and conversational, thus making what can sometimes seem like weighty material accessible to anyone. The level of intimacy he conveys in the writing means men can identify with him, and women will trust him. In fact, reading certain passages of the book is like sitting down for a private session with the good doctor. Adding to the pleasure of reading, he is not only warm and wise, but often funny and hip as well. You’ll actually find yourself enjoying the work of personal growth.

The Relationship Training Manual for Men helps you to better understand your man and yourself, and ultimately find the way to a better, more loving relationship.

Jill Stein, Ph.D., author of The Real World



Relationship 101 to mastery
Any man, regardless of age, station in life, regardless of whatever fine or not so fine qualities he may or may not have, any man with the desire and the need to make a relationship work will find this book invaluable. And readable, and sly. Unger knows relationships and he writes in a lively and vivid style that is candid to the point of utter bluntness at times. Here he is asking the reader to rate himself as a lover on a one to ten scale:

"How would you feel about sharing that number with your friends? How about if you had to tell all your friends the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about your sex life?...Chances are, you would rather tell them how much money you really make." (pp. 258-259)

Fact is, most men are lousy lovers and they know it. Unger adds, "Whatever energy men can muster for foreplay and emotional connection during sex pretty much depletes the small amount of interest they have in connecting. By the time they climax, they have used up all their 'us'ing." (p. 259)

This sort of blunt candor is what makes this reality-based book work. Naturally Unger explains in multitudinous detail exactly what women want and how you can greatly improve your chance of supplying that. Part of his advice reminds me a bit of a parody title for an old book on how to have good sex. The book was "The Joy of Sex." The parody title was "The Job of Sex." Yes, relationships require effort.

Although this book is written for males, it is clearly a manual that women would like. Unger understands women and their needs. His goal is to help men understand women to the extent that they can form and maintain a relationship while at the same time being true to themselves. Yes, Unger tells us what women really want, but it's complex and it changes. Part of the truth is that she doesn't always know herself what she wants, and part of the truth is "Yes, they want an "us," but they also want so much more. They want us to be all things. They want us to be strong and sensitive. Hard and soft. This and that. And, of course, we are all those things. It is just that sometimes when we are one they might want us to be the other." (p. 66).

There is something delicious about the way Unger generalizes about men and women. Guys are guys: they want the remote and not a lot of talk. Women are women and they want to infinitely examine the relationship and feel adored. But both want to have control. This is the key: if you can make your partner feel that she is in control while knowing all the while that you really have the upper hand in the things that really matter, well then, the relationship will work.

Unger brings these relationship questions and problems to life through illustrative dialogue and interior monologues: she said, he said, she thought, he thought...she wants, he wants, and then critiques the scene and gives advice on what to say and what do that will not only avoid unhappiness but actually help you to get what you want out of the relationship--even sometimes to get your own way.

Well, to get your way more often than you are getting it now. Men and women are different and Unger appreciates those differences and spells them out as they relate to various situations. She wants to go out and you want to stay home. Obviously if she stayed home all day and you were at work all day, it doesn't take a genius to figure out why it is she who wants to go out. But what do you do? Unger shows you how to win the big ones and to let the little matters go as they may. Of course if you are at loggerheads about something that is vitally important to both of you, then maybe you have an intractable problem. It's all compromise, but Unger isn't suggesting that you become a "Yes, dear" kind of guy--however sometimes that helps. Lose the little ones and you'll have a better chance of winning the big ones--and by the way, it's important to know which are which.

I'm an old man and I've known many women and have lived with a few for many years, and I can tell you that to make a relationship work requires work (which is why this manual is 360 pages long) and it requires compromise. You want a woman? You'll have to pay for her--not in money, but in love and caring, kindness and strength--and intelligence. Women think they want an alpha male, but if they get one they will find out that he is gone tomorrow unless THEY work very hard with skill and intelligence on the relationship; and in the end they may find that an alpha male is a good experience once in a while, but requires more high maintenance than a Barbie doll with a princess complex. If they have you instead of an alpha male (which is what they really have) they may find they have, if you have read and practiced the wisdom in this manual, somebody better than an alpha male, who, after all, has his de facto harem to attend to. In fact, I can say if you follow Dr. Unger's advice and understand it well, you can have the confidence to go after the best of women and have an excellent chance of getting and keeping her.

Do yourself and her a favor. Buy this book and read it. You don't have to fill in the blank lines or do all the exercises. Just read the book. It will help a lot, believe me.

Dennis Littrell, Amazon.com Top 50 reviewer



"Where was this book when I started dating? It would have made a world of difference - I probably could have skipped Jessica entirely and made a go of it with Sara. Not only does this book deal with issues in straightforward, honest and real ways, but it gets your head in the right mindset so you can actually love a woman."
Steve Roth, Ph.D., author of Winning



"Not an easy book for a woman to love at first. It has all those things that men do that make them the challenging, loveable creatures that they are. Yet, the more I read, the more I found myself nodding my head in agreement, and then a light bulb went on and I had an inspired thought - I now know how to really love my man. And, when that doesn't work so well, I know how to train him."
Tina Reid, author of Speaking of Marriage



"Every woman I know who has read this has immediately given copies to her friends and gratefully given one to her man. Every man I know has hidden the book from the women he knows while severely upgrading himself. I am not sure who gets the most out of it, but everyone seems to be walking around with a little extra twinkle in their eye."
Dr. Jeff Blume, author of The Joy of Therapy